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Flamin' Hot Cheetos Banned? Oh Those Crazy Kids...

April 27 2012 - 10:40 AM

bag of cheetosSo when my grade school teacher-sister in law said she was surprised that we didn’t have an opinion on the whole Flamin’ Hot Cheeto thing I was prompted to take my head out of this hole in the ground. While I didn’t know about this epidemic, I can’t say I’m surprised. I mean what’s the news? Cheetos are really good? Realllllly good? I have a similar illicit fascination, bordering on fetish, with the little crunchy orange extruded doodles. I can eat a whole bag too! Sometimes unintentionally. What surprises me is that I’m not as keen on the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. I guess I’ll be getting me a bag of Grade-School-Crack this weekend.

NPR had a 4 minute piece on how the bags are being banned in schools across America. I guess when a 3rd grader shows up on the playground with a family-sized bag of meth… um. I mean Flamin’ Hot Cheetos all hell ensues. My favorite quote from that piece was “It’s a janitorial nightmare”. When the other money quotes about eating a large bag of cra… uh Cheetos are “Your booty would be burning” and “You might have the runs”. Kids know the side effects of the dru… uh doodles.

As to why kids crack out on it. I think conventional wisdom is the endorphin rush you get from any spicy food. I remember my first Ma-Po-Tofu experience when I was in grade school. It was wonderful. I ate the whole thing. No janitorial nightmare.

So maybe the kids can get a bit more sophisticated. I know a guy that’s got some Blair’s Death Rain Kettle Chips. That should net you some favor on the playground. And if some kid shows up with a big bowl of vindaloo shouting “Say hello to my little friend” you all better run.

–Josh Brusin